An Open Letter to the Financial Person in The Relationship
Why managing money alone isn’t as noble—or as sustainable—as you think
You’ve taken on the responsibility of managing your household’s finances, and maybe you even enjoy it—but if your partner isn’t engaged, they’re not truly a financial equal. For their sake and yours, it’s time to bring them in—not just to share the numbers, but to make sure they have a voice in the decisions that shape your life together.
You’re the financial person in your relationship. You track the numbers, pay the bills, set up the investments, and decide how to allocate savings. Maybe you have an elaborate spreadsheet. Maybe you’ve built a whole system that, in your mind, runs like a well-oiled machine. Maybe your partner trusts you to handle it—or maybe they don’t care to be involved.
And maybe that works. Maybe it even feels good to be the one keeping everything steady, the one ensuring your household is financially safe. Maybe it’s even part of your identity at this point.
But I have a challenge for you: Bring your partner in.
I don’t just mean sharing a spreadsheet they never look at. I don’t just mean answering their occasional questions about whether you can afford a vacation. I mean real engagement—making sure they understand what’s happening, why decisions are being made, and how the two of you are building a financial life together.
Because right now? You might think you’re doing them a favor, but you’re actually doing them (and yourself) a disservice.
You Could Die Tomorrow (And Other Fun Valentine’s Day Thoughts)
Let’s start with the worst-case scenario: what if you weren’t here? What if, suddenly, your partner had to take over everything—the accounts, the investments, the budget, the taxes?
Would they know what to do? Would they even know where to start?
I’ve seen it too many times: someone suddenly loses a spouse and realizes they have no idea how their household’s finances actually work. Where the accounts are. How the bills get paid. Whether they’re okay for retirement or drowning in financial uncertainty. It’s disorienting, it’s terrifying, and it’s preventable.
But let’s say you both live long, happy lives. That still doesn’t mean this setup is healthy. Because the reality is, if your partner doesn’t understand what’s happening with your money, they don’t actually have a say in these decisions. And that’s not fair to them—or to you.
Are You the Default Decision-Maker?
Maybe your partner checks in now and then. They ask, Can we afford a kitchen remodel? or Are we on track for retirement? And you give them an answer: Yes, we’re fine. No, not yet.
But here’s the thing: in this setup, you’re not just the financial manager—you’re also the gatekeeper. You have access to all the information. You get to decide how much risk to take, how much to save, and what’s feasible for the future. Your partner can ask questions, sure, but can they challenge your thinking? Can they actively shape financial decisions?
Or do they just nod along when you pull up the spreadsheet, let their eyes glaze over, and then check out of the conversation?
If they don’t feel confident enough to participate, they’re not actually on board. They’re just along for the ride.
You’re Not a Fortune Teller (And You Might Be Wrong)
Even if you’re really good at managing money—even if your investment strategy is sound, your budgeting system is airtight, and your financial choices have been smart so far—you’re not infallible.
Your partner might have valuable insights. Maybe they see risks you don’t. Maybe they have ideas you haven’t considered. Maybe they’d like to take a different approach—one that still works, but feels more aligned with their values or lifestyle goals.
If they don’t understand the financial picture, they can’t contribute meaningfully. That means you’re making big, long-term decisions in a vacuum. And that’s a risky way to operate.
If This Sounds Like a Pain, You’re Not Wrong
Look, I get it. You might have tried to bring your partner in before. Maybe they got overwhelmed. Maybe they got defensive. Maybe they just didn’t care. And maybe you don’t feel like fighting that battle again.
But let me ask you this: if your partner expects you to make all the decisions, defend those decisions, and carry the weight of this responsibility alone… is that fair to you?
Is it fair that if something goes wrong—if an investment tanks, if there’s an unexpected financial challenge—you’re the only one responsible?
This isn’t just about them needing to understand finances for their own good. It’s also about you not having to carry this weight alone.
What to Do Next
So, what now? How do you actually get your partner to engage?
Have a conversation—not a lecture. Instead of dumping numbers on them, ask what they’d like to know. Ask about their long-term financial hopes and fears. Make it a discussion, not a one-sided data dump.
Keep it simple. If they’ve checked out before, it might be because they’re overwhelmed. Forget the complicated spreadsheet. Start with the basics: Here’s how much we earn, here’s how much we spend, here’s how much we save.
Make decisions together. Even if you’re the one who enjoys handling the money, that doesn’t mean you should make all the decisions. The next time there’s a big financial choice to make, sit down together and talk through it. Make sure they feel like they actually have a say.
Bring in a third party. If past conversations have gone poorly—or if there’s tension around money—consider bringing in a financial planner. A neutral third party can help translate the numbers into something meaningful and guide both of you toward shared decision-making. (For the record: I do this. It helps.)
The Best Valentine’s Gift Isn’t a Fancy Dinner—It’s a Financial Partnership
Your relationship isn’t a business arrangement, but finances are a huge part of life together. And right now, if you’re the only one steering the ship, your partner isn’t really your co-captain—they’re just along for the ride.
So this Valentine’s Day, consider giving your partner something more valuable than flowers or chocolate: the opportunity to truly be involved in your financial future.
Because the best relationships—the strongest partnerships—aren’t just built on love. They’re built on trust, shared responsibility, and making big decisions together.
