An Open Letter to the Non-Financial Person in The Relationship
Why letting your partner handle everything isn’t the gift you think it is
Letting your partner handle the finances might seem like the easiest path, but it also means you’re giving up a say in some of life’s biggest decisions. You don’t need to become a financial expert—but if you want real security, independence, and a stronger partnership, it’s time to start asking questions.
Your partner handles the money. They pay the bills, set the budget, manage the investments, and make sure the financial wheels of your household keep turning. And that’s been fine. Maybe you don’t love dealing with money, or maybe they actually enjoy it. Maybe they’ve offered to walk you through things before, and you’ve nodded along without much interest. Or maybe you’ve tried to engage, but every conversation turned into a lecture—or worse, an argument—so you stopped asking.
I get it. Money can feel stressful, tedious, or even intimidating. And honestly? Letting your partner handle it might seem like the path of least resistance.
But I want to challenge you to rethink that. Because while you might think this setup is working just fine, it’s also putting you in a precarious position—one that could leave you feeling powerless when you least expect it.
The "What If" You Don’t Want to Think About
Let’s start with the part nobody likes to dwell on: your partner could die tomorrow.
I’ve worked with people who suddenly lost a spouse and realized they had no idea where their money was, how to access accounts, or even who to call. They didn’t know whether they were financially secure or about to run into a crisis. Some had never even met their spouse’s financial advisor. And in the midst of grief, they also had to scramble to understand a system they’d never been part of.
That is not a situation you want to find yourself in.
And even if you both live long, happy lives, there are still real consequences to being disengaged. Because if you don’t know what’s happening with your money, you don’t actually have a say in how major financial decisions are made. You’ve given up your seat at the table.
Are You Comfortable With That Power Dynamic?
You probably do check in now and then. Maybe you ask, Can we afford to remodel the kitchen? or Are we saving enough for retirement? And your partner gives you an answer. Yes, we’re good. No, not yet.
But if you don’t really know where the numbers come from, how do you know if those answers are right?
If your partner says, No, we can’t afford that vacation, how do you know if that’s actually true—or just their personal financial philosophy talking? If they say, Yes, we can afford a bigger house, how do you know if they’re being realistic or overly optimistic?
Even if they’re incredibly competent with money, they are not infallible. They’re making judgment calls based on their own assumptions, comfort level, and priorities. If you’re not actively participating in the conversation, you don’t actually have a voice in those decisions.
And if that’s fine with you—if you genuinely trust them to handle everything, and you’re comfortable not having a say—that’s okay. But if part of you wonders if we’re really okay, or why we’re making the decisions we are, it’s time to get more involved.
This Doesn’t Mean You Have to Take Over—But You Do Need to Engage
Let me be clear: I’m not saying you have to start tracking all the expenses or obsessing over the stock market. But you do need to understand the basics:
Where is your money?
How much comes in, how much goes out, and how much is saved?
What’s your investment strategy, and why?
What’s the plan if something happens to your partner?
If you don’t know these things, now is the time to find out. And yes, that means having a conversation—probably an awkward one—with your partner.
How to Have This Conversation Without It Turning Into a Disaster
If past financial discussions have gone sideways, I get why you might be hesitant to bring it up again. Maybe your partner gets defensive when questioned. Maybe they start rattling off numbers and acronyms that make your head spin. Maybe they’ve even made you feel like you should understand this stuff already, so you’ve just stopped asking.
But this time, try a different approach.
Frame it as curiosity, not an audit. Instead of saying, I don’t understand what you’re doing with our money, try: I want to understand our finances better—can we go through it together?
Pick a neutral time. Don’t do this when there’s a financial crisis, a big life event looming, or after a stressful workday. Choose a time when neither of you is already on edge.
Make it a conversation, not a lecture. If they start monologuing about asset allocation, stop them and say, Explain this to me in a way that makes sense for someone who doesn’t do this every day.
Don’t shut down. If it feels overwhelming, that’s okay. But don’t check out completely. Ask questions. Keep going. This is about your future, and you deserve to understand it.
What If Your Partner Gets Defensive?
If your partner bristles at your questions, or gets pedantic, or seems resentful, that’s useful information.
It might mean they’re feeling overwhelmed by the burden of handling everything. Or maybe they do feel a little insecure about their financial decisions and don’t want to be second-guessed. Or, worst case, maybe they don’t want to share control.
None of these are reasons to back off. If the conversation gets tense, acknowledge it:
I’m not questioning your judgment—I just want to understand what’s happening.
I know you’ve been handling this on your own, and I really appreciate that. I just want to be more engaged in case something happens to you—or just so we can make decisions together.
If it still doesn’t go well, consider bringing in a financial planner or even a couples therapist to help facilitate a better discussion.
One Last Thing: Check the Mental Load
In heterosexual relationships, women often handle more of the household’s day-to-day spending (groceries, kids’ activities, home essentials), while men often manage the big financial decisions (investments, taxes, retirement planning).
This dynamic can lead to tension. One partner might feel like they’re constantly being questioned for small expenses, while the other makes big financial decisions solo.
If you feel like you’re being financially constrained in ways that don’t seem fair, or if you’re shouldering more than your share of household spending without being involved in long-term planning, that’s worth addressing.
Again, financial engagement is about balance. It’s about making sure both partners have a say—not just in how much is being spent, but in how financial priorities are set in the first place.
Final Thoughts: Your Future, Your Say
Letting your partner handle the finances isn’t wrong. But if you don’t know what’s going on, you’re not just avoiding a task—you’re giving up a key part of your own independence.
You don’t need to take over. You don’t need to become the financial expert.
But you do need to know enough to be a true partner in the decisions that shape your life.
And if that’s not the case right now, it’s time to start asking questions.
